"The Discerning Gentleman's Guide to Gangbang Etiquette"

by The Cowboy Detective

So you've been invited to an orgy. Congratulations!

The following guide should help you navigate the treacherous waters of gangbang etiquette and avoid those common faux pas that can turn perfectly delightful public sex with random strangers into a semen-stained social embarrassment.

What To Bring

Most orgy invitations will specify what, if anything, should be brought by the attendees. Read everything carved into the bathroom stall door to make sure you didn't miss any important details. Aside from a raging boner and a dish to pass, here is a list of other things you might want to consider:

-Cock ring
-Personal lubricant
-Shitload of hand sanitizer
-Armadillo, declawed
-Duct tape
-Viking helmet
-Not AIDS

Arriving

Always be punctual when attending a gangbang. (This will be the only time during the evening when coming early is actually encouraged!) Remember, there are dozens of people you don't know waiting for you to stick parts of your body in them. It is rude to make them wait. Showing up late not only reflects poorly on you, but also prevents you from getting in on the action from the beginning. Few things are more awkward than trying to strike up an ice-breaking conversation with a woman who already has some other dude's junk jammed in her throat.

And while it's not exactly considered rude to already have your cock out when you arrive, you should make the effort to dress it up a bit. The sight of a naked man with an engorged penis unceremoniously stumbling into a room full of strangers can be unpleasant and awkward. A little pirate hat or some flame decals down the sides are nice touches and make it more fun for everyone.

Choosing Partners

As stated above, it is best to arrive early. This will allow you the opportunity to meet and assess potential partners, and discuss any specialties, favorites, and taboos. Nothing is more embarrassing than finding out the hard way your partner does not enjoy it when you shit on her back.

Also, don't be afraid to learn some names! Instead of saying, "Take this face fucking, you cockslut!" most women prefer that you say, "Take this face fucking, Pam! You cockslut." It's the personal touch that will guarantee you future opportunities to fuck her face.

Be open-minded with your selections. While most men will be lining up to throw a shot into the attractive women, you should find yourself a woman who, while being substantially uglier, will most likely have low enough self-esteem to let you do some seriously fucked up shit to her. Remember, what a woman looks like is entirely inconsequential. Aside from being the place where she keeps a suckhole, her face has little purpose beyond serving as a resting place for your fatigued genitals.

A gangbang is all about variety. Try not to get locked into the same four or five snatches and buttholes. Mix it up a little bit!

The Fucking

Once an orgy begins, it quickly becomes a room full of flying dicks and tits, and it's easy to get caught up in all the dick-and-tit-flying and forget your manners. Here are some guidelines to help you avoid common mistakes usually made while fucking.

A Modicum of Foreplay is Always Appreciated

At a gangbang, it is certainly not expected that you bring a woman flowers, but on the other hand, you don't want to just mount her and start jackhammering her twat like a monkey on angel dust. Women in general like a little romance and tenderness, and some doped-up skank writhing around in a dimly-lit furnished basement is no exception.

Mouth kissing is usually acceptable, but very risky in a group sex setting, and therefore not recommended. Depending on where her mouth was (or more importantly what was in it) just prior to your encounter will make the difference between a pleasant pre-sex interaction and getting a mouthful of cum belch. Kissing other parts of her body runs similar risks. Absent a black light, you must assume any woman with whom you engage is currently coated entirely in dried spunk.

Fondling and rubbing is a tolerable solution, but still runs the risk of getting semen into your eyes, mouth, and mucous membranes through incidental secondary contact. A quick tit slap or a poke in the neck with your cock will alleviate much of this risk and still accomplish the goal of tactile arousal.

Remember, as much as you want to be polite and get a woman properly aroused, you also want to avoid touching her jizz-sprayed body as much as possible.

Assplay is by Invitation Only

Whether it's your big toe, car keys, or some other chick's face, it is the height of rudeness to stick anything into someone else's asshole without permission. A simple, "Pardon me miss, but do you mind if I slam this into your pooper?" will not only be appreciated for its thoughtfulness, but can also help prevent a situation where you are injured by something that might already be up there. You must treat each asshole you encounter with the respect it deserves.

Don't Fuck Other Dudes

I really can't stress this enough. I know when you've got a boner that could punch a hole through a cinder block and the only available place to stick it is some other guy's stink winker, it seems pretty tempting. But remember, this is a gangbang, not Ben Affleck's tool shed. Try to exhibit some class.

Aside from the obvious anal and oral sex restrictions, dick-on-dick contact is also strictly prohibited. Incidental cock bumping is to be expected, but never acknowledged, and never prolonged. The commonly accepted time limit for dick touching is about three seconds.

Understandably, there are certain multiple-partner sexual positions where the men outnumber the women that will involve some inevitable ball touching and sack friction. This is unavoidable, and therefore acceptable. But again, sexual contact with other men should never be intentional and always kept to a minimum. And remember, never, ever make eye contact with a man whose genitals are touching yours. That moment could haunt you for the rest of your life.

The exception to this rule is, of course, if it was explicitly stated to be "that kind of party" and you're into "that sort of thing." Then you can do whatever you want, you fucking homo.

Always Thank Your Partner

It is a widespread misconception that not ejaculating directly into a woman's eyes or nostrils is thanks enough for letting you work her lady parts like a prizefighter on a speed bag. The rules of common courtesy say otherwise. Just because you did things to her that wouldn’t be appropriate to do to a goat at an Alabama house-warming is no reason to be rude.

A simple "Thanks for letting me fuck you so much," followed by a cock-slap to the ass is acceptable, if a bit curt. Remember, a little extra politeness doesn’t cost you anything, and can make some ridiculous jizzrag feel good about herself for a change.

"I came so hard I think my dick went back in time," or "If Jesus had a pussy as sweet as yours, the Jews might not have murdered him," are imaginative and memorable ways to express your gratitude. Remember, a cheap whore is always a good time, but a cheap whore who feels appreciated makes a more pleasant evening for everyone.

Don't Touch the Stereo

You are a guest and it is disrespectful to your host. Also, it's probably covered in semen.

The Grand Finale

This, of course, is the whole reason why you’re here: to orgasm in public. It’s easy to get lost in the moment and do something that will embarrass you or other guests at the fuck party. Don’t let your manners shoot out of your dick along with all that busted nut!

First comes the announcement. It’s good to make a show of it to let people know how much you are enjoying yourself, and it also allows any nearby women to get their faces into position. Simply yelling, "I’m coming!" is trite and clichéd. Something more colorful like, "Sweet Molly, it’s a cold night in Tucson!" or "Eat my dick bullets!" can serve as a real attention getter and let everyone know how excited the idea of ejaculating in front of them makes you. This will get them excited as well, and everyone will have a good time as you spray the room with your ball juice.

Next is to carefully consider where to launch your cock splatter. It is a good idea to practice at home ahead of time as much as possible so you can properly determine distance and volume. With those measurements in mind, always try to aim your exploding man cannon onto as many women within range as possible.

Don’t worry if the woman is not facing you or doesn’t seem particularly interested in having you shoot your love chowder onto her. Rules of gangbang etiquette dictate that your earlier announcement is more than sufficient warning. After all, if a woman doesn’t want you to blow dick snot all over her back and into her hair, why is she even there?

And it is very important to remember that the restrictions against sexual contact with other men include not jizzing on each other. If you and another male participant are preparing to porkblast on the same chick at the same time, it is always preferable to take turns. If that does not seem feasible, then you must always make sure to not position yourselves directly across from one another and aim down. Nothing ruins an otherwise pleasant evening faster than a navel-full of some other guy’s splooge.

Final Thought

With a little practice and mindfulness, proper gangbang etiquette will become second nature. The most important thing to remember is to have fun! After all, what kind of hopeless faggot can't enjoy a night of banging some nasty-ass bitches?

Happy humping!

from http://www.juvenilecomedy.com/gangbang.htm