Some Jokes

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks- "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out... "I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!


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A guy stumbles out of a bar.. drops his keys, falls on the car, takes him a couple minutes to open the car door... yelling and screamin at the people walking out of the bar. There are a couple cops watching this all happening, licking thier chops because they are going to bust him the moment the car moves....

He continues to stumble and finally gets in the car.. a few minutes pass, then a few more... he starts the car and starts to go....

The cops pull him over.. sobriety tests, breathalizer blows 0.0, he passes the straightline, says the alphabet backwards... not one thing does he miss....

The cops are baffled... so they ask what he has been drinking.. he turns and says 'Nothing, I am the designated decoy tonight!


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A piece of string walks into a bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender promptly says "We dont serve your kind here, get out!".

Hurt but not deterred the string goes out tussles his hair, ties himself up and returns to the bar.

He sits down and the bartender warily eyes him and says "Hey, aren't you a piece of string?"

The string replies "No, I'm a-frayed-knot"



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Guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender that he is broke but wanted a drink. He said that if he showed the bartender something he has never seen before would he give him a drink. The bartender said "show me".

So the guy puts a box on the bar and opens it...inside is a little dude about a foot tall and a teeny tiny piano and the guy begins to play....and play well. He signs and plays the piano like you have never heard...and only a foot tall.

The bartender was impressed so he makes the guy a beer. While the guy is drinking he asks, "Where did you get that?". The customer replied that there was a magic genie bottle in the alley and that the genie gave it to him. So with that, the bartender ran outside, top speed, to the alley and found the bottle. He rubbed it and a genie came out and asked what one wish he wanted granted. The bartender thought for a second and said "I wish for a million bucks" ....POOF....a cloud of smoke filled the alley and as the it cleared he was surrounded by DUCKS....yes, DUCKS, everywhere. As far as he could see there was nothing but ducks.

Pissed off he came back into the bar and yelled at the customer...."WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THE GENIE WAS HARD OF HEARING????" The customer replied...."Do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist"?